Resentment and Absolution.

Granted; my father and I had quite the rocky relationship this past year…to say the least. He passed away a couple of weeks ago and left with little remorse for the fall outs he caused during his lifetime. Forgetting the damages he caused in his relationships with others, how he could leave this world without patching things up with his son are beyond me. For the mistakes in the relationship were not my doing but ultimately his. And now I am left with no father and a boat load of resentment. An ironical statement as I write this post onboard a ferry as I head back to my home town to scatter his ashes. Truth be told I really did not want to participate in this event with my two siblings and mother…

For whatever reason everyone has told me I should go and participate. No one seems to care about what he did to hurt me or them for that matter. I owe him nothing. I have dedicated my life to supporting my family since I was a child who had to bare more responsibility than any kid should at that age. Will I regret not participating? Probably, but why should I use that as a reason to go? I care a lot about people even if they don’t care at all about me. That is just who I am. But why should I let regret, something I hate having in my life, get in the way of what is right and justice? Why should I pay homage to a man that although had a good heart spent a better part of his life being idiotic and ignorant, not to mention abusive (verbally, emotionally, and physically)… Why does he deserve the best of me when I got the shit end of the stick?

If all you can do in this argument is to say he was my father and that is reason enough then your reasoning is illogical and weak. Not saying it is wrong but it is far from right. ‘Father’ is not a title bestowed to a man from whose seed you were derived. It is a title earned with the earnest of good intentions. A title given to a man who protects and teaches to love, not to a man who hurts and fills your heart with pain and unrest.

All he has left me with is a guide on how not to be a father. Now for the family and friends that may read this post, I will go on the record and say that not all the times with him were bad and negative. He had glimpses of what his duty entailed and became for short moments a good father. He took care of us, we were fed and clothed and given a roof over our heads, but was that his entire duty? My argument is simple, the bad memories outweigh the good. By a landslide by the way.

Perhaps you will now say that bad memories are easier to remember, and that I probably had more good memories but they are overshadowed by the easy to remember bad ones. That may be true, but how flawed your logic is yet again. The weight of memories is not simply calculated by mere amount but by the actual ‘weight’ of each one. I remember fragments of my first few birthday parties but I clearly remember giving my first statement to the cops, about domestic violence no less, at the impressionable age of 4. Of course a memory, a bad memory, like that one, overshadow a few smiles, presents, and cake. Perhaps those memories would look better if it wasn’t for that ‘heavy’ bad one.

Maybe my love for him is engrained by a sense of duty or something, I don’t know… But I did love him. And that, above all else is causing me to have the most resentment. If I can love him after everything why couldn’t he be a good father, at least in his last days…

I cannot come to terms of why I should participate. Is it a sense of (continuing) duty to my family? To be honest again, I do not owe them anything either. I guess you really don’t owe anyone anything, you choose to give. I am giving my family solace by being here, if not for myself, for them. I hope they know and understand that it is for them. Pretty much anything I do is in service to someone. Benevolence. My life in service to yours. To help others before helping oneself.

On the island highway now, going to where home was. I choose to give myself a memory of love and duty, I will participate. When we scatter his ashes and say a prayer, I wish his soul tranquility and harmony. May he find his peace. I am not sure if this last act in service to my father will absolve him of his wrong-doings or absolve me of regret and resentment, all I know is even after everything, my heart still has more love than pain. The embracing of love outweighs everything else.

Love you, dad. Wishing you the best.

About Me
In self-reflection; I can honestly say all that is good in my life has been a direct result of my artistic expression. Be it through writing poetry, prose, or philosophy, through painting or photography, or through filmmaking, art saved my life and it can save yours.
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